It's Like That?

I am hurting right now. My heart feels like somebody just came along as give it a stiff kick. I know that I don't talk about my daddy at all on this blog, and there a reason for that. He hasn't been around. Somewhere in the depths of my heart, I have always held onto this hope that we could get back to being as tight was we were when I was a child. I would even settle for the closeness that we shared the first few years after he and my mother divorced. I just want him to be around.

I've never told anybody that. I have always just acted like I didn't care what he did, or if he ever talked to me again. But that's not how I feel. It kills me to know that he is out there living like me and my sister don't exist anymore. At first we used to get phone calls and multiple visits every year. When it was his turn to have custody during the summer months, he was there a day early just to make sure he got us on time. Now, if we don't call him ... we won't talk to him. We haven't seen him in years.

Let me get to the point of this post. My daddy recently got married for the third time. His first two weddings were just courthouse ceremonies, so I didn't trip that I wasn't invited, but this last one was a big church wedding. Probably that only real wedding that he will ever have in his life, and do yall know that he didn't even tell me and my pooh about it. If my cousin hadn't told my step-daddy we would have never found out.

Fast forward, so now we know. I called him and tried to make him understand how hurt I was that he didn't think it was important to include his children in an event as special as this. I wasn't asking to be in the wedding ((even though I felt like I should have been)). I just wanted to be in attendance. He said that he didn't send us an invite because he knew that we weren't coming. Then he went on to say that we could come, if we bought our own tickets and shelled out the money for our own hotel stay. Hotel??? What?!?!

I feel like this ... I'm your child, regardless of how old I am, you are STILL my father. You should have made sure your kids were there, even if nobody else showed up!! Point blank. Period. That's just me. But even still somewhere in my mind I felt like it would be a small affair, and I probably wouldn't miss much. My sister didn't give a good darn dang one way or the other.

So this morning I go and check my email and lo and behold my daddy has sent me the wedding pictures. This wedding was nice. They had a nice cake. Nice dresses. Nice reception. Nice everything. ((Now I know why he couldn't and wouldn't help me pay for school this last past year)) But get this: NOBODY FROM HIS/OUR FAMILY WAS THERE!! Everybody who participated was from her clan. Coincidence? I think not.

I cried as I looked at the pictures, because I should have been at that damn wedding. I should have had a camera full of pictures for my facebook and myspace pages. I shouldn't have been somebody that was just lucky that they got an e-mail with the pictures attached.