Me 'n' My Insecurities

I am INSECURE. There I said it. It's a hard thing to admit. For the longest time, I wouldn't admit it ... not even to myself, but I am. I don't really have a positive body image. That's why I love the winter and fall months so much. I kind of handle the spring, but during the summer I'm rarely seen. I feel like I am soooo fat, even though people tell me that I'm not all of the time. I just don't have the body that I want to have. I don't look the way I want to look.

I guess I should start with where all of this self revelation is coming from. Five or six months ago while I was on the job I met this really cute ((ok, ok, he was fine as hell)) customer. I didn't know his name or anything like that. I just thought he was quite the looker. He was really cool. We flirted. We smiled. We joked. We kept it moving. <-- Everytime he came in that was our little routine.

Fast forward to last month .... I found him on Myspace. He was honest with me about WHERE he worked, but he withheld a little about what actually DID. He told me he worked at the stadium ((which was true)), but he left out the part about him being on the field PLAYING. He knew that I thought that he worked in the kitchen, parked cars, or something along those lines. I would have never guessed that he was an athlete. He was too cool ... too down to earth.

My plan was to not treat him differently, and to continue to act like I didn't know. It was easy. He was the same him, and I was the same me. So this past Friday, we did our same lil two step. He made a comment about my work performance, and asked if there was a number that he could call so he could give a rave review and get me raise. LOL In my mind, I took that as my cue and recited MY number to him. Smooth transition.

That was FOUR days ago, and I still haven't got a call. Before I knew what he did ... I probably still would be second guessing myself, but not as much as I am now. He's a professional athlete. He could have an actress, a singer, or hell a runway model. Somebody that overly beautiful. I feel so stupid for even thinking that maybe he would want to be with an average chick like me.

Here I am a regular girl trying to compete with video vixens and such. There are prettier girls than me at the club every night. Those are the type of girls that he hangs with. Not me. They're in great shape. Have flawless skin. Perfect make-up. I'm embarrassed. I feel like such a fool. Why in the hell did I even think that he would be diggin' on me?

If by chance he really was interested ... would our relationship be able to stand my insecurities? Everytime I saw him with a girl that I thought looked better than me, I would be uncomfortable. That would probably drive him away. Am I taking this way too seriously? Maybe I just misread the signals. I wanted there to be something, when in actuality he may have been just being nice. But then again ... maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit. Who's to say? The phone call that never came. That's who.